Hancock

For an immortal being, Hancock is one sorry bastard. If I'd been around for the last 3,000 years, I would've spent at least some of that time building and maintaining a good portfolio, so I could sit on my ass and drink Mojitos in the Bahamas when I didn't want to fight "crime."

And speaking of crime, let's give a hand to the slew of recent superhero movies and their inability to address any ethical issue beyond bloodthirsty violent crime. You guys leave a lot of legroom for freewheeling white-collar "investors" like myself. Let me be the first to thank you, Hollywood, for turning a blind eye to other so-called modern "moral issues," like the environmental and human rights violations in my business's factories in Myanmar. No kidding I'm thankful--I'm getting rich hand over fucking fist because of it.

Okay, back to the film. Our eponymous hero is your typical poverty-stricken, Obama-supporting, Black Panther welfare king, spending his money on bottles of Old Jim Whiskey (OLW: 1.20) and basically boozing around the clock. On the bright side, though, he doesn't get hurt and doesn't age, much like Ann Coulter. Opposite Hancock is the do-gooding, whiny-ass liberal Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a PR guy who has stupidly devoted his life to encouraging corporations to donate to charity. Memo to Ray: Capitalism doesn't need your goddamn help. We already commit regularly to the greatest charity of all: The Free Fucking Market.

I thought there was going to be some toothy moral about a poor black man rising out of poverty or some shit, but thankfully the directors had some sense in them and avoided this route. The movie gets confusing after the middle, and turns into typical fantasy shlock, but redeems itself in the end when Hancock stops his alcoholic ways and repents to the Gods of the Free Market by turning the moon into a huge corporate logo. I am not even fucking kidding you. My group has been trying to get adspace up there for years. We could really use a superhero who fights in the name of marketing, like Hancock.

RATING: $$$ (3 USD / 5 USD)
BUY: Dasani (KO: 53.14), Old Jim Whiskey (OLW: 1.20)
SELL: your inhibitions about plot cohesion