Wall-E

What kind of Al Gore-loving Hollywood pinko ever approved this fucking piece of Marxist trash? To start with, why, just look at the titular robot. See those sad, sagging camera-eyes and rusted metal frame? He's filthier than the emo-loving guitarist scumbag that my daughter took to Exeter's prom. In fact, Wall-E himself is a trash bot! That's right, that little robo-scumbag probably turned to a career in trash collection when he, too, couldn't get into Robot Harvard, and neither Wall-E nor my daughter's emo fag can ever expect anything good in life now.

Let's get started on the plot, which Al Gore and John Kerry probably collaborated on with Disney and Whole Foods Market. (By the way, DIS 31.64--sell this piece of trash now if you have any sense in you.) A rogue hippie robot is left on a deserted planet to clean up the trash by himself (he gets his energy from solar--how California is that?). We slowly unravel the story through the subtext: Earth got too polluted, man moved to resort spaceships far away until it got nice again, yadda yadda yadda. What a delusional warmist fantasy. Everyone on Wall Street knows global warming is another leftist lie to get humans to stop exercising our fundamental right to consume, consume, consume. Consume.

Even if global warming is as bad as some say, I'm sure we'll be able to rely on private R&D to come up with some solution before we ever have to move off the planet. Unfortunately, Wall-E tramples on this notion, as in their future, no human ever works a job, and instead sleeps, eats, and rides around all day on their hovercrafts drinking sodas and watching TV. This all thanks to the mega-corp Buy & Large, which, in the film, seems to be the only visible logo throughout, and evidently owned half the planet before divesting and sending mankind into space. (Memo to investors: These guys got the best product placement I've seen in ages. Buy BNL stock [BUNL: 45.87] now. Sell before 2100.) Large advertisements for the company are visible everywhere in the film, along with flashing billboards that say "ECONOMY!" in the ship's bay. It reminds customers what they're contributing to, I guess? Seems like a good idea. Perhaps this might convince Americans to open their wallets more. Imagine large "ECONOMY!" billboards splattered every few yards in Time Square, between the other ads. It makes me feel patriotic just thinking about it. (Note to self: look into buying adspace in Times Square.)


Yet if you take a closer look, this fantastical vision isn't even the capitalist utopia. Nope--it's the communist utopia. But what else would you expect from Walt "Marx" Disney and Steve "Hussein" Jobs? (owner of AAPL: 159.88. Sell IMMEDIATELY). Think about it--no one in Wall-E's delusional sci-fi future ever WORKS. Unless they're living off inheritances, this is not cool. I certainly didn't see any poorhouses on this space resort, which serve a healthy function in any society, that being to punish those lazy fucks that refuse to contribute to said society.

Yeah, so this movie is somehow suggesting that humans would move off the planet someday if it gets too trashed? No shit! That's the whole fucking point of economics--you gotta do what's cost effective, follow the market! If we leave this shithole for the hippies and immigrants to clean up, good riddance--I already got prime property on the moon with a great fucking view of Terra Firma. Hell, maybe with less gravity, it'll be easier for the riot police to drop-kick the fucking worker's rights protesters--like the ones that keep popping up like zits at my company's factory in Burma.

Furthermore, when it comes to this idea of the earth getting too trashed, I just can't stand environmental themes. The so-called "environment" is just another leafy, boring idea that gets in the way of progress. Fuck, I try to avoid vegetables and fruits as much as possible--why the hell should I care about Nature? The environment is one of those disorderly, messy things we learned years ago to write off as another "externality." I slave away all day screaming into my Blackberry, playing golf and banging the maid. Why should I care about something that raises gas prices and tells me not to drive my Escalade? You show me an environmentalist and I'll show you an insecure bastard who turned to environmentalism when he found out he wasn't shit as a businessman. Fuck Wall-E the robo-Mexican and fuck this liberal trash. Don't show this to your kids if you don't want them to end up like Tipper Gore.

Rating: $ (1 USD/5 USD)
Divest from: Apple, Disney
Buy: Buy 'N Large (BUNL: 45.87) for long-term